50 Years of Life; 15 Years of Living

A new year. And I will be turning a milestone age. Yes, I do know age is all a state of mind. And with that state of mind, in mind, I thought and hope to write more about me. What has shaped me to be the who I am now. It will probably be a lot of memories, because isn't that what we are? A collection of memories?

Where to begin? They say 'at the beginning ' But in this case I don't think so. As I have found out, there are no absolutes in life. I thought and had an absolute belief that I would living be on the farm. Wrong. I thought and had absolute belief that Kemper would always be there. Wrong. I thought and had an absolute belief in both of my marriages. Wrong and wrong. So far the only absolute belief I have is in my friends and in myself.

There are degrees of friends.  But the ones I am referring too are those in the Kemper category. Either I attended Kemper with them, or they have been put there by me to indicate a very special status. So far, so good and I don't want to jinx myself.

At this time I am between work. My job went away at the end of 2012. Through no fault of my own nor really the company; as they had told me it was for a limited time. I just thought I had more time. I have been looking for work, and I had some interviews and calls. But so far, nothing at this time.

I choose the title for this piece and for this year "50 Years of Life; 15 Years of Living" as I can say I really started living when the shit hit the fan with my first marriage, all the crap my neighbors and my cousin put me through and the wedge they put between my mother and I. I had a sweet life before that, but I don't know if i would say I was really living. I think; no, I KNOW I am in a better place; financially I suck though. But everything that has happened to me, I firmly believe, has happened for a reason.

I have prayed and forgiven my mother; as I know, as do many people, that those last months of her life, it wasn't her and that she was preyed upon by outside influences. I have forgiven the neighbors and my cousin for what, in my opinion, were acts of greed, born out of the desire for money and my family farm. I have prayed and forgiven my ex-wives for those things in our marriage that I had no control over and also ask her forgiveness as it was not one person or even just both of us. There were outside factors acting upon us also. This truly was a cluster fuck, a SNAFU, an unfortunate turn of events. But what it did was to make me see that while I was alive, I wasn't really living. I was a good person, but there was so much more I could have and should have been doing. As George would tell me when I would lament about not going into the Army, "Quit crying over what you could have done."  And the old adage of not appreciation something until after its gone could and should be carved on my headstone; if I was going to have a headstone. I was, in those days; but now I want to donate whatever they can use to organ donors and then after my funeral, cremate me and spread my ashes at certain locations. I had always thought that I would like something to outlive me; a medal, an offspring...I don't know why that was important to me, the foolish ideas of youth I suppose. Now, older, maybe some wiser, I realize that by being an organ donor I will succeed in that if I can help someone. And no, this in no way suggests that I am wanting to or going to die in the near future as far as I can tell. I finally understand some things and hope I can put what I have learned into practice before trundling off this mortal plain.

I am doing things for myself. Some would say that's selfish. But what I mean I am doing is things that are for me, and not for anyone or anything else. My 2 examples; I was baptized again in October. I was baptized in Glasgow in my way younger days and I have always said that I'm not born again, as they got it right the first time. I still believe that as I never lost my faith, even after everything that has happened to me. I did it now because it was my choice. Or maybe it was like a booster shot, or throwing my soul in the washing machine and getting all the grime and sins off me so I can try and do a better job. When I did this at the Methodist church up here in Leavenworth, I had my bible from that time with me. I didn't do it during a service, even though the preacher asked if I wanted to. No, this was for me. Not anyone else.

The second thing was when I joined Gold's Gym. I was way heavier than I had ever been. and when I got winded going from my car to my desk... I knew something had to give. I stopped drinking Mountain Dews and started hitting the gym hard. I drink Diet Coke, water, ice tea with Splenda. Dropped 13 pounds in 2 months. As I told the guys there; I am here to loose weight, not pick up chicks. Don't get me wrong, they are nice to look at, but that's not why I am there. I consider them like paintings hanging in a gallery; nice to look at but that's it. I am doing that, going to the gym, for me. Not anyone else. I want to be healthier, get into some shape. For me. I look younger than I am, and want to always be able to fool people and look better than my friends of the same age! :)

I hope to be able to post something every day. I had wanted to write this in a real journal in my own hand, but money for now has to be rationed until I find work. Maybe I can buy and write in a journal starting on my birthday. Maybe have some of the same things or maybe have the journal just for my deep thoughts, or where I can beat up on someone in private without having to worry about being sued.

"And when you stand on that last great day, before the eternal judge, may you hear from His lips the approving sentence: Well done, good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of the Lord."