Valentine’s Day, and I’m alone, naturally. Not wanting to
come off sad or anything as I trust in God that things and I are where we are
supposed to be. Still sucks sometimes.
Its time like these that get me reflective. On love and those who I’ve loved.
If I’m going to blame anybody or anything it’s The Love Boat
and Fantasy Island series from the 1970’s. You could find love, loose it and
then end up happily ever after in only an hour. Yeah, in real life that rarely
happens. Also, young girls at that time
still thought being romantic was just another way to get into their pants. It
wasn’t and still isn’t for me. I grew up a gentleman, had that refined at
Kemper, and though I may have meandered, I still hold John Wayne, Mark Twain,
Will Rogers and others as gentlemen to be emulated. I have been and will always be a gentleman
when it comes to woman. To be anything else would be incomprehensible.
My first love was named Julie and she was the granddaughter
of a neighbor when I lived on the farm. She came down to visit in the summer. And my parents, the matchmakers that they were, threw
me together with her. Back when writing letters was the way to communicate and
send pictures and things, I did. A lot. I don’t remember what I wrote to her;
hopes, dreams and my daily life I am sure. Things that I thought were
important. And then when I went to Kemper I wrote her about that. I was
almighty in love with her, and thankfully she tolerated my attention. She would
sign her letters with “love” but it wasn’t that kind of love. The last time I saw
her, was at her grandmothers wedding. I wanted to spend time with her, but it
was a wedding, so that didn’t happen. I remember her walking me to my car at
night after the reception. It was lightly raining. Again, I don’t know what we said, but she
gave me a kiss on the cheek and we said our good-byes. We wrote for a few more
years, but by that time she was moving to her own music of life. I had her
pictures in frames with me at Kemper; and they are in a special place in my
photo albums. She holds THE most special place in my heart. A dichotomy of love and hurt. She never led
me on, I lead myself on. Like I usually do. But hers was the sweetest as it was
the first. Many years later I had a dream that she was married and had
three girls. I hope that dream came true
as she was happy. I don’t think I’d know
her if she walked up to me right now. I’d like to think that my heart and my
brain would recognize her. But honestly; the memory of her and what she
represented has kept me warm through many cold times in my life. Is it a
fantasy, unreal, fiction? Of course. It’s not even a ‘what might have been’ as
I couldn’t have done anything different. Its who I was. Its who I am. A love
that held my heart in her hands and neither crushed it to her bosom or chewed
it up and spat it out. She simply held it. Her memory is still holding it. The
idea of what first love is supposed to be.
The place she occupies in my heart is intertwined with my love of Kemper
as both happened at the same time.
The question of whether you have been in love is one that is
often asked; especially when you are dating, especially at my age. Divorce,
hurt, crazy people… but my answer is; I think I have. I mean I have ex-wives,
one I am friends with, as we have known each way too long and have too much
history growing up. I wish her and hers
the best, so I guess that’s love. I have
some long time, dear, female friends that I love, and have been since my
younger days. And in those days I might have tried to be more; if I knew then
what I know now. And I have crossed paths with other lovely women who I have
cared for. I have loved in many shapes and sizes.
I even compared how Kemper was like a woman; how she loved
us and we loved her and how we would put time and effort into her and how she
could hurt us as much as a flesh and blood woman. And for those that know, let’s
not forget the Kemper curse.
So, February 14 is just another day; no cards or gifts or
flowers from me or for me.
Well then what am I looking for you may ask?
Who says I’m looking? (My friends are rolling their eyes at
that).
Honestly, I’m just marking time for now.
I did hear something, and I think this is the only way I can
describe who I’m looking for:
Some woman who is my kind of crazy.
