Day 110 - The rock that I cling to

The one of the many thing my parents did for me growing up, was instill in me a deep trust in the Lord. A nine year perfect attendance for Sunday school helped reinforce that. Of course as I got older and at military school, some of that relaxed. Not much. As a new boy you were required to attend. And as I headed up the ranks, some of that did relax, but I still went to church; in fact I sang in the choir for a while. In fact our honor code put God first. The country, home & school. So not a problem.

Moving on to a four year university, Sunday attendance did wain. I have always felt that you didn't need to go to a place to have your prayers amplified to God. And while I am a Christian, a Methodist, a 32nd degree Scottish/York rite mason and a Kemper Old Boy, I also believe that other religions and cultures should not be considered as being wrong.

Individual faith is very important. I have read the Bible all the way through 3 times and used to know all the books of the Bible in order. Does that make me better? No. And though I have no problems with 'Born Agains' or ones that want to make sure that we all know they are Christians either through their witnessing or ringing our door-bell; I let them know, I don't need to be born again, as they got it right the first time I was baptized. I have always tried to be good, but knew that I was sinner since I am human. because of that we are guilty until proven innocent by asking forgiveness. And yes, we are serial sinners. No one is perfect. As Chief used to say, "there was only one perfect man and he died on the cross." I also like how Titus the comedian put it, about moving on, "get down off the cross, take the wood, build a bridge and get over it!" I have friends that are different faiths, are Pagans, Druids, Wiccans, etc. Do I think they are wicked or evil? No. Do I think they will go to Heaven? I pray for them. I pray they will find what they are looking for. And who knows; maybe that's what God wants each of us to do; find our way in life and do the golden rule: Do unto others as we would have other do unto you. But on the same token, I only got 2 cheeks to turn, after that its the sword, LOL.

As a Dungeon Master/Game Master, which for all practical purposes means you are God in the game, I have thought like and considered what God must be like and allow. The questions of why does God allow bad things to happen? Well, how about thinking of God as the ultimate General Patton? You may not have the whole picture, but he does look out for you. And when you screw up, you will get punished. But do your best and always move forward. No retreat. You have to have faith and trust in something bigger than you are. I have that. That has never wavered, though at times I have asked "Why?" Any soldier can ask that. He may not get the answer he is looking for or he may get no answer. But he is allowed to ask.

Do I think I will go to Heaven? LOL. Well I HOPE I will. I try. I sin. I ask forgiveness. I sin again. But I do learn and try not to make the same mistake twice or thrice, or more than once a day.... meaning I believe in God. I know Jesus was God's son and that he died on the cross so that I may live. He did the ultimate throwing himself on a grenade so that I would live. I believe in the Bible, the flood, locust, you name it.

I know there is a war going on between God and Evil. Are we living the days of the Apocalypse? Don't know. Don't care. If it happens, it happens. Those decisions are far above my pay grade. I just try to do the best I can with what I got. I know I haven't been perfect. I consider myself a soldier of God. Fighting evil. And as we know, sometimes the only way to fight evil is by being meaner and badder than our enemy. No, I am not saying I am doing anything bad; but I am no white knight in gleaming armour. I am the guy in dirty fatigues wearing a beret, camo faced with instrument's of death and destruction on me, fighting for what I consider right. Does that make me a candidate for the bright light at the end of the tunnel?

I don't know. I know I am not bad enough to go to Hell (I hope and pray) but don't know if I am good enough to make it to Heaven. At least I am not a hypocrite and want to re-write my history by not remembering the way I was when i was young. Its ok to acknowledge it and say that you have changed since then. But not to even remember and try to play things off-that doesn't fly.

I would like to think that I have been no better or worse than some of the men and women I hold in esteem. Which means that when I pass from this mortal plane, that maybe there is a place for us; a warrior's Valhalla if you will. We would be used as God's angels to fight the battles that need to be fought. Too good for Hell, but not good enough to make it to the top floor. Kinda in the middle.

My parents and grandparents and others have made it all the way to the top I know. My father was a great person, and while I don't know what he did before me, and only consciously of what he did doing our 24 years together, he did good and was a good person. So that anything he might have done, was more than made up for in the end. If he did need that. I don't think so, as I would have a hard time thinking of my father bad enough to not make it to Heaven. Maybe that is true about the good dying young.

In closing, what I was trying to say, which I don't know if I succeeded, was that my faith is the rock that keeps me grounded. I trust and have complete faith in the Lord God. What I have been through shows me that there are higher things going on. I say I am in a better place now than 10 years ago, although financially I suck. But then, that too has taught me things.

I didn't say it made me perfect, because I ain't. It is a yard stick that I use, to try and be better. But do I go to church every Sunday? No. Do I pray at night? yes. Do I pray before I eat? Mostly. Do I still sin? Yes? Am I forgiven? I don't think so, I know so.