Start

I was with a friend this weekend (Dave Berry) and his girlfriend. Shes developing a new TV show which she hopes gets picked up. Telling her about some of the things that happened at Kemper and she suggested that I write them down. Have been trying to do that. But there are some things that no one will understand. Its like explaining color to someone who is blind. Part of it is explaining what went on. Another part is why we understood. Why? Easy answer; men and women who we respect were there, did the same things we did. So we understood. And we were family. Your squad, platoon or company could pick on you. But no one else. High school could pick on college, Old Boy vs New Boy. The Corps vs Admin. Kemper vs Boondogs.

Fear. People get scared from riding a roller coaster, spiders, snakes, etc. Its usually sudden sometimes and unexpected and then its over. I want to tell you about being scared for days. Not knowing. This could be akin to a time in combat. The down side: you live with a fear. Its something that you wear; you hope that no one can tell. You cry yourself to sleep sometimes. You have to be careful and keep the fear in check; a small tear in public could lead to a breakdown. You find your hands shaking. Sweat. You wonder what the tightness is. Now imagine that for hours at a time, days at a time. Courage is not conquering fear but something that allows you to push through it.

You may say that you shouldn't have to be scared. It's illegal, immoral, etc. etc. Did it happen to me? Hell yes. And for hundreds of others. Do I think it was wrong? Hell no! Why? Like I said: courage was not abolishing fear. You need fear. What this was, was learning to work through, to master. But conquer? Never. Anyone who says they are never afraid is a liar and a fool and get shunt of them fast. I still get scared. I can feel that cold feeling creeping over me at times like a mist. It lets me know that I am scared. Whatever is about to happen is something that is making me fearful. HOW I handle is very important. THATS what I learned. I was the typical boy from the farm. I had never really been scared for a continuous time. I had been scared at times, like getting on a Ferris wheel; it never lasted long. But this was different. Now the good part.

That first year and the rest of my time there, my fear shifted. Initially it was a fear I was going to get beat up. So physical pain. After I was broken and re-built it became fear of failure and letting my friends and family down. Something that continues to today. And during all those years, the experiences I had were some of the most heightened in all my life. Situations, things, people, all are burned into my mind. Granted, age is starting to take its toll, so maybe it is good that I jot some things down. In fact I may do a blog just on those stories; but for now, trying to explain it might do here.

I remember laying on my bunk, enjoying the sweet time of doing nothing with not a worry in the world. You may think you enjoy doing nothing, but think of what your nothing is: watching TV, playing on the computer, taking a nap. and then think of what you are worried about; bills, taxes, job, relationship. What I am talking about is laying on my bed, arms behind my head, the sun coming through the window, sounds of things going on outside, and knowing that I had these 20-30 minutes before I had to do anything or be anywhere. Maybe before I was going to be scared. But for right then, I just had to worry about the there and now. I lived. Those times are burned into me, like I had looked too long at the sun. And I thank God for them.